Friday, May 29, 2009


a lot of us have been through a certain frenzy for at least once in our lives. and in one way or another had a share of what i'd call a slow loss of self-control and a little emotional overload. but no matter what you call it, still it all falls down to one category of a problem.

admittedly, mine is not quite the type of disturbia that turns the paranoia switch on or even a whole country to a whole hysteria [like what is happening now]. But in some ways, its still a burden thats too much to bear for some one who has been living the summer life in the comfort of an internet connection, a solid roof to keep her in the shade and a low profile that has kept her with the tag 'unsocialized'. And so, the small tinge of attention that was abruptly poured on her turned her whole eutopia into some labyrinth of wonder. Wonder of reasons why some unknown person in a social network is stealing your face and forging your identity. What a roller coaster ride it has been and yet i landed back to where i flew from-- no idea of who the haux is. But........... anyway. i guess he or she is just some ill-striken person who has been imprisoned in the dark palms of boredom. or perhaps some evil claw of jealousy. or perhaps some wrecked cage of torn emotion.

well.. so much for that. and so much for the dark side of technology. because having a red-handed poser who is suspected as an enemy or admirer is the least of my problems. Because dealing with one faker is no match to the virus that hits us all.

Say hello to the common cold. Where congestion of nasal passages is required and a good night sleep is not an option.

True enough, i have to breath through my mouth and feel like i lost a nose and a life. I had to eat without my taste buds functioning, take in medicine which made my mouth fall into complete loss of palatability, sleep without comfort and talk in a way where no one understands a word i say. And worse, i had to get semi-deaf due to insistent sneezing that had large amounts of force through my fragile tubes.

and i guess all that is more than enough to declare a state of emergency. or perhaps a code red. but i don't think anyone is right for the job to save me. not one besides myself.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

fiesta. people. and more people.

i admit. im not really the type you'd see out there. talking to guests. making her way through a congested crowd.

bottom line is.. i dont really think im the one who plays well with people.

but i dont know why this year it turned out quite different.. and its like i slightly enjoyed being smothered in other people's company.

but usually.. i DO enjoy being with other people. except that . my enjoyment. depends on the people im with.

and in one way or another.. the least i could imagine myself hanging with were the ones i found most . worth my time.

fiesta really made me see a dozen of things. things that were beyond the food. the feast. the karaoke on play. the streamers. the color. the band.

more to that.. i saw good times. some dose of friendship and hospitality. which for me may seem over rated but somehow i got myself through it..

it made me embrace my religion more. and perhaps. made me see the families of my friends which in truth were'nt really any different than mine.

but the best about it was that it made me realize i never should just be alone. and that. i was creating my own forcefield of 'do not disturb' for no apparent reason. at all.

like an alien discovering earth.. it made me see i needed to belong in this planet. coz i did. and that being with people is quite so much better . than be some place else all alone.

but still. i think i'd still need some 'me' time though. despite the realization.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

END OF THE WORLD. [how about that]

as pondered on the thunderstorm.. and heavy rain that poured a few days ago.. which till now is still having some aftershocks..

i cant help thinking to myself how much has changed in the weather cycles as far as i can remember it.. i mean.. one major thing that got me hooked up the thought is that.. its summer. REALLY. its summer.. and what the hell. its raining on our parade .

well environmental problems are'nt really new to me.. or perhaps to anyone else.. but i guess its just the fact that nobody ever really takes it seriously that gets me worried..

a friend of mine even told me about the mayan prophecy. [not really sure if i had it right]. says that their calendar could mark out the days in a year that brought bad luck.. and found that the end of the world would dec. 21 2012.. since its the last day of their calendar..

i don't really now.. if its even wrong to say these guys who made it up are foolish.. or if the people in my soceity and generation are the ones foolish not to think about the fates of nature..

because really.. there will be an end to all this. its not about.. how. its about the question of when.

and because we will never know unless we're some psycho who can tell the future or ask God questions. we might as well be ready. right?

or shall i say.. make it far more away in the time line to save ourselves and perhaps die a natural death and not witness the end of the world?

well.. i don't really know which choice comes better than the other. but in my humble opinion though.. i'd say its best we try to do both. and perhaps be something useful for once in our life of sin and nothing more.

i mean.. its our last chance. and i mean it..

and i don't really have any plans of being in departure after a great 'end of the world' moment and find myself in the middle of heaven and hell wishing i had the time to repent and do something good or better than what i DID.

but hey. if you wanna try on something you'd call adventure. then fine.. but i don't think selling your soul is my type of adventure.

nature is good. so let's just hope it stays that way. and that we help make it stay that way.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

flat on the floor.

a day ago.. i had the worst episode of insomnia..

i was up till 3 in the morning.. for no apparent reason besides.. i just cant sleep.

do you even know how frustrating that was?. when your body is more than tired.. and yet your mind doesn't agree with it.. making it harder to juts shut your eyes. and ride off to dreamland..

perhaps. this was more than the nightmare anyone else could get while they were sleeping.. its like a burden i have to bear for everytime i meet my pillows in my bed..

its like a human essential i cant seem to get my hands on easily unlike other people.. and yet no one gets just how much i have to go through with this disorder.. its like.. they juts laugh at it. find it.. funny? interesting?

and what. do they think its funny when you get an unending layer of eye bags? a whole morning spent wasted because you REALLY need to catch some sleep? and do they think it means nothing to just feel having the world on your shoulders when your supposed to be in the comfort of your slumber???

man.............. i dont really know if its even right for me get my head hot on this.. but. its just. again frustrating.

it sometimes makes me cry. and so it helps me sleep. but i guess that could promote an even greater amount of stress added to the one im already dealing with.

but i guess .. as they say it. everything has a positive side on it. even a dead clock shows the right time twice in a day. right?

and perhaps this disorder will give me some impetus towards starting my thesis on. [yey]

but for now............ i just wanna lay. FLAT. literally. FLAT . on the floor. or perhaps. JUST the bed for now.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

sO much for wHite hOrsEs. .

actually.. it just came to me.. how i got. practically addicted to the song.. white horse. and i don't know why.. in fact.. due to the urging demand of some part of me.. i even learned how to play it on the guitar. the keyboard. and on my voice box.. but ironically.. i don't even feel or relate my life to any single word of the song.. NOT AT ALL.

but then im like a parrot.. repeating and repeating.. all the same words of the same song. all day long..

perhaps its just oen of those songs they say that you just cant get out of your head. but i dont know.. somehow it feels different..

and so it came to me when i woke up this morning.

i was in a dream then. that was my song. before i came into this present relationship.

coz you know what.. the last man. or men.. to be exact. i had were sort of.. well.. too much of the romeo type who tangle their words of affection to your throat and quench your hunger for the drama.. and somehow make you lose sight of the true and the tangible.. but in the end strangle you in the neck and make you lose breath to the brink of emotional fatality.

and so.. making me realize. that. i really am not a princess.. and we weren't a fairytale.

and i guess.. it made me see. how this one seems to make me feel. well.. different. and in a way that im not used to.

and sometimes it made me wonder if that was a disadvantage or not.

but then it came to me when i actually woke up. that.. yeah. i guess its somewhat an advantage. and at the same time. a positive sign for me. why?

coz.. first of all. he IS different from them because he sees the truth. tells the truth. and although because of this he may seem less romantic. and less of a sensitive person as ive always expected the others before him. still.. it makes me sigh in relief coz.. finally. someone has come to show me that. life is never going to be perfect. im never going to be perfect. im not really the prettiest scene he will ever see. who i am is a shame in comparison to the great Cinderella. Snow White . and whoever they might be..

but in the end. he will still love me. and i guess. thats more than enough for me. because. reality IS always MORE than the fairytale. ALWAYS.

and so..

i dont wanna be mad at him anymore. for his. well. shortcomings. =p


getting sick could be one way for God to tell you how much you need a day off..

but for me. . i just think it sucks. [not that i don't beleive that HE exists to give me this ]. its just a shame how a divine man of love and compassion could seriously take me through hell on earth..

and apparently for me.. getting sick is just not an effective way to get me back the road of praying and penance.

maybe because i think there shouldn't be any middle way of anything. it has to be good or bad. left or right. black or white. nothing else in between..

and so if he's supposed to give me anything just to get me back to my faith.. then it should either be that he leave me alone and let me live my life in peace. or just take it all away and let me die to make things simpler.

but no. and so the rest of history invented colds.. cough. and fever..

thanks to them. i'm having one of the most mournful days of my life.

im supposed to be in a pool. taking my classes. learning something new. learning the science of swimming and not sitting here writing all my disappointments and rage in a single peice of internet hobby that i don't even know would be anything better than just gulping it down.

and for the record.. it does irritate me to hear from other people such .. advice which for me are just not fitted for the situation.

and worse. they think they are right. when in fact. they are WRONG.

but i guess their words of shallow basis are just proofs of how easy it really is to suggest a solution when you hardly know the problem.

when you're just the man in the sidewalk. you'd think a band aid can keep you dying from a bullet in your chest. but if you're the surgeon who's been through rough times of medical school. you know it takes more than just some plastic remedy of the modern world to keep you alive. and that means a scalpel and a million-dollar hand to surgically remove that metal from your body cavities.

[ sigh ]

what am i saying.. i dont really know if im even making a point. or if im just writing like a drunk woman who just had a depressing break-up.

god. the sneezing makes it feel worse.

anyway. i guess that'll be most of it. for now.

i really don't wanna wet my whole keyboard. so. i better go.

Monday, April 20, 2009

starting out anew is one thing.. well,, for a fact that you're never quite sure of what to think.. what to do. or even what to expect..

and yet we strive to find new beginnings in everything.. in relationships.. and perhaps in a career..

sometimes man's complex level of thinking gets the trouble it deserves.. making things oh so hard when they are all just a peice of cake..

as i'd see it.. curiosity kills.. but . maybe ignorance does better on the job..

anyway.. i don't really know why im even writing this thing.

more exactly.. why am i even tiring myself to write this when i have a headache to attend to. .

[and again. an example of man's stupidity brought about by too much thinking]

there's not much to say for today. maybe because im still halfway through it.. except for my beginnings on a few things. like a revisit on my piano skills. a start of a new blog. and of course. my newly acclaimed friend who once was my lover and once my enemy. isn't that nice to start a day?. [ yeah right]

perhaps i should just get myself some cake,. hope it helps with the headache. after all.. words aren't all that effective as a medicine. or a therapy to me. eventhough its all i eat.. [sigh].